Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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