Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize