Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
