Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i out mim tonsoeep
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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