my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
