Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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