Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
