so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
