I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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