so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
