In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
