you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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