I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
