I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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