just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You left your phone here
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