I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
