Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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