On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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