she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
