So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
