There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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