I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize