All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
