This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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