Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
