you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
