I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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