the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
