he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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