I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
