my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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