i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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