I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
