I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have tasted many bathrooms
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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