I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
