just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Boobs speak an international language.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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