Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
