If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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