Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
