I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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