Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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