Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Still dying that you shit outside
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
