we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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