Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
