So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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