Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
