I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
