she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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