fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
