I am midnight drunk by noon
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
