Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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