Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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