oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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