I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
