Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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