At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
