see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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