Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
