it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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