I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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