she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize