When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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