He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
