Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
40s are totally the cure
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
